I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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