Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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