i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
