i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
