i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize