Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
