I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
