I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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