Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize