just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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