this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
