I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
