Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize