An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
