My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
