woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
True strength comes from lack of pants
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize