Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
i've created a new STD.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
