I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize