Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize