fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
