You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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