I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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