Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
