life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
You smell like a Billy Joel song
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just pee around me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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