My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
