Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
