do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
