My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can I color on your dick again?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
