Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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