youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
