i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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