He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
