Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
