it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
