Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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