he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
