there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
