DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
