A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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