I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
