Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you had me at cake vodka
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
