Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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