Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
