apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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