Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
