My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
