I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
