I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
