i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
