I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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