tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
