I'd wear matching sweaters with you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
