saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
