I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
