His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
