I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
