After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
