did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
