I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
