We won't sleep together?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
