I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
