I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
