Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize