Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think a kid would responsible me up
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
