I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
