Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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