I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
